Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"
A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.
"What's a bitch and a pussy?"
"Well," Mom says, "a bitch is a female dog and a pussy is a cat." The boy thinks to himself that this doesn't sound right since the other kids were calling each other that. So he goes to Dad.
"What's a bitch and a pussy?" Dad pulls out his Playboy and opens it to the centerfold. He draws a circle around the woman's pussy.
"Now that's a pussy, son! And everything else is the bitch!"
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you
accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a
doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)